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     I saw the following news articles in a trade paper called ‘Poultry News’ some years ago. For the life of me, I can’t find the original news paper but I was able to, at the time, scan the articles and then reprint them here for your enjoyment. For some reason, despite these articles hailing breakthroughs, the price of chicken has actually continued to climb. And no, that’s another Juan Eismann.

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SCIENTISTS HAIL BREAKTHROUGH!

MENLO PARK CREATES BONELESS CHICKEN

     Monolithic Research Center announced today that their scientists, working in conjunction with government researchers were able to develop a chicken entirely devoid of bones. Dr. Elliot Richardson, chief scientist was quoted as saying, “We are on the cusp of a revolution in the production of food. What we have done is nothing short of miraculous.”

     In a press conference held at the entrance to the facility Dr. Richardson discussed the breakthrough in detail. He stated that Leghorn DNA was modified to produce soft cartilage where only bone had grown before. After the press conference a reception was held in the main lobby where the press was invited to meet the scientists and technicians involved in the project.

     We interviewed Juan Eismann, an employee who was directly involved with the project. When asked his role he told us that he was responsible for the care and the feeding of the genetically modified birds. He remarked that it was not difficult though there were special considerations. When asked what they were, he stated: “Well, we kind of have to hold up the chicken’s head up to feed it as it just bends and the bird’s beak often misses the bowl.” He continued when pressed for more details: “We don’t have to chase them around and we don’t even need cages. ‘Cause they don’t go nowhere.”

     While we have yet to confirm Mr. Eismann’s remarks, we did discover an interesting fact; the new chickens weigh approximately four pounds more than the average of four pounds for a total average weight of eight pounds. Dr. Richardson has assured us that the benefits of size will be passed on to consumers. We expect these chickens to grace our supermarket freezers this fall.

REVOLUTIONARY FOOD NEWS FROM ABROAD

ISRAELI SCIENTISTS GROW CHICKENS WITH EXTRA LEGS

     Israeli scientists have re-sequenced the DNA of Rhode Island Red hens to produce offspring with thirteen legs. We interviewed Dr. Yeshiva Yeshiva for more information to find out more about this exciting development.

     He told us that it was nothing less than a revolution in food. He told this reporter of the problems that were encountered during the years of development. “We had developed other chickens with three or four legs but these were disastrous. After several years we decided that we would try for a chicken with an even dozen”

     Dr. Yeshiva related to us that a dozen legged chicken was five years in development. He elaborated on the story. “Five years, that wasn’t so long, considering it took 8 years for the three legged bird. When we felt we were ready, we had not thought out everything. We blundered.”

     When asked to continue, he told us of how they had produced over two hundred birds. He further said that while having so many birds wasn’t itself regarded as an error, they missed something. “We didn’t understand how agile these birds were. Do you know how hard it is to chase down a normal chicken, let alone a twelve-legged one? Some are still in the countryside. We are hoping that they do not breed.”

     We asked Dr. Yeshiva what made the thirteen-leg chicken so special. He discussed the animal thus: “After discovering that the prototype twelve leg chickens were uncontrollable, we decided to go with the baker’s dozen, thinking an extra leg would disrupt the bird’s agility. We were right. In fact, though the chicken can run very fast, it runs in a circle, counter clockwise, as the thirteenth leg is on the right. This renders it dizzy and then the bird can be easily handled from that point. However, many birds are uncoordinated and often trip themselves up trying to get away.”

     This was interesting but we needed to find the real reason for creating this phenomenal bird and we pressed Dr. Yeshiva on this point. “Well, we want to prevent a thigh and drumstick shortage, you know.” see Israeli chickens on page 6

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